Just recently I experienced the most hellish week ever with my car! That’s saying a lot, I once had a car caught on fire while I was driving. So let's see. I started with a screw in my tire. A very very large screw. My local tire store advised me it was best to just replace the tire, as in his own words “Yeah ain’t no plugging that.” Next up I am driving through one of our infamous downpours when out of nowhere a snake lands on my windshield. Okay okay, so it wasn’t a snake. My windshield wiper fell apart- great! Now before I move on let me state one very very important fact. I AM A PROCRASTINATOR! Whew, glad we got that out of the way. So with that being said literally that screw traveled plenty of miles with me and many raindrop lives were spared due to my car’s “condition.” They say it takes 30 days to form a habit and I must agree. After about 32 days I am now fully aware of all the potholes on my route to and from work that I and Mr.ScrewFace needed to avoid. Not to brag, but I mastered seeing the road ahead of me through the horrible streaks my non-wipers left on the windshield. Not perfect but definitely a doable system! Then, shit got real! I’m heading out to the gym at 3:30 am. Pitch dark outside and my headlight goes out. Good thing it was just the one, right? Again, 30 days to habit. So now I’m dodging potholes, and raindrops, and traveling after dark. Life was good. So good I decided to do some spring cleaning a bit early. I take my donation boxes to the car and I’m feeling mighty full of myself, procrastinate-who? So I’m wrapping up my day of early Spring cleaning and the only thing left is to drop a bag into my backseat.
“Huh, what? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KEY? Where is the other half of my- trunk.”
Yep, the trunk ate a chunk of my key. How does one fix this on a bright beautiful Saturday afternoon? One waits until Monday, more accurately sixty-six minutes before you’re due at your desk.
Procrastinate who? Procrastinate ME!
“It's a 2012”
“You said hatchback?”
“No, a sedan? I guess I don’t know sir. It’s not fancy, it's just a Versa I mean.”
“What's the engine ma’am?”
“I know what the key looks like.”
“Okay guess let's start there. How many buttons?”
“None.”
“Nine?”
“NO none. Like zero. No buttons.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep pretty positive.”
“Okay give me a minute.”
In a moment not so rare I began my early morning rap concert. I performed two Pardison Fontaine songs and was halfway through the first Wale song when from the speaker I heard.
“You looking at about eeerrr starting at $168.”
“Starting you said? It doesn't have buttons or anything like it's literally just the key.”
“Is it a push to start?”
“Sir. Sir no it's a Versa so no.”
“$168 to start ya.”
As if cued, Wale’s “On Chill” chorus comes in. We’ve been on a tragedy for months. Yes, yes little Versa we have.
“Okay, thanks!”
“Good luck to ya!”
Luckily my youngest daughter is able to afford a really nice fully loaded Cadillac ATS by having her father pay for it. Even more so lucky is her full-time job is disguised as a part-time one.
“Nanna, I need your keys”
The face buried in a pillow cover over the head second language class I took came in handy that morning.
“It’s on the table” practically rolled off her tongue.
So in case you're not keeping up we now have a screw in the tire, no windshield wipers, no headlights, and no keys, well no whole key.
My car company unfortunately did not go for my offer to take it out back and shoot it but they were kind enough to provide me with their locksmith’s number.
“Text me ya address”
“Oh okay hi my name is...”
“Text me ya address”
“Sir I haven't told you what I needed.”
“You called a locksmith, what more could you need?”
He had a point. Not a sharp one but some sort of rounded point.
So I sent him my address decorated with all the pretty info I so desperately needed to say on the call.
“Hi my name is Charlese Milford and I was referred to you by….” I practically wrote an essay.
2 minutes later I get a reply
“Did you send me your address?”
Okay, Locksmith Master, you win!
4 hours later my phone rings.
“Hey! This here is Melvin. You got the other half of that key?”
“Yes, sir it's in the house. I'll call someone to bring it out to you.
“Okay that's good good cause I already have the other half out!”
“Hey Joelle Melvin the locksmith guy is out front if you can take him the other half-
“No, he’s not.”
“Joelle look out the window….”
“Yeah, I'm literally doing that right now. There is no Melvin outside”
Well, holy socks and underwear is this some paranormal parallel universe shit. I’ve waited my entire life for this moment but yet I felt so unprepared. Melvin had somehow crossed over to an alternate universe where I still lived on that street, still had the Versa- wait no. The Universe is not that cruel.
“Hi, Melvin this is Charlese. Again. You said you have half the key out but my daughter does not see anyone in our driveway. If you could give me a call back I'm a little concerned that somehow you found another car that isn't mine with a piece of key in the trunk. Okay bye.”
3 hours later
“Mommie we’re heading to Daddy’s”
“How?”
“Melvin just left.”
“Was he there for 3 hours?”
“No, more like 3 minutes.”
“Weird.”
Okay, well maybe Melvin did a good deed or Melvin was just a liar. I don't know and at this moment I really didn't even care. I was too busy celebrating my single victory over this damn car! I was now back to the dysfunctions that made my car, well, my car.
Off from work, I take the ride straight to their dad to hug my baby! There she was all windshield wiperless, one-eyed and oh let's look, yep screw still in the tire. Let's go home baby, it's been a long day. I happily tossed my kid the keys to her fully operational vehicle and did my best to make it home before it got dark.
Before I knew it was morning! I almost grumbled at the idea of getting up then I remembered OH SHIT YOU HAVE A KEY GIRL!
A rap concert was a must and because I was feeling all so in love with the moment nothing but Drake would do!
I grabbed my bags, and my new complete key and took off in my Versa! Music blasting and the wind in my face!
Oh geesh what is that smell?
That actually smells familiar. Not good, just familiar. What is that?
Wait no, no did I just trade the smell for a noise? Is that a lawnmower? That can't be a lawnmower. Must be that school bus. Yeah, I have a new key so yeah gotta be the school bus.
It wasn't the school bus.
“Mommie, I know you're joking.”
“Mommie wishes she was Symone.”
“So what happened?”
“I have no clue but maybe it was Melvin.”
“Melvin? Who is Melvin?”
“The key guy, from yesterday.”
“Ohhhhh yeah Mommie no I doubt the “key guy” killed your a/c”
“Well I'm going to call him”
“And say what?”
“And say sir I think you killed my a/c”
“Ooookay well let me know how that goes Mommie. I'll be rooting for you.”
“Hey, hi, hello Melvin. Yes, this is Charlese Milford you made a new key for my Versa yesterday. Was there any interaction with the dash or a/c? I'm asking because now it's not working. The a/c. The key is fine, but if you could give me a call back please.”
No reply
Still, reply
So great now I have a screw in my tire, a bald windshield wiper, one headlight, and an a/c that won't blow.
“How much do you still owe on it?”
“Joe I really don't know like-”
“Like too damn much. Doesn't matter the number, it's too much. Piece of junk. Anyway, I'm sending you Earl’s address. Take it to him by twelve tomorrow.”
“Earl? Who is Earl?”
“Girl, just take that raggedy ass car before 12 tomorrow.”
Now, allow me to clarify. I have always only heard of “backyard mechanics” but I’ve never been to or seen one in action. I thought they were mystical magical beings we talked about in hood fairy tales. Something like a unicorn or leprechaun. But if you are in need and lucky enough one may reveal himself to you.
I pulled up around 11:24. I wasn't sure what the backyard mechanic rules were. I was afraid to be late, maybe I would have been bumped to the back of line or worst yet barred from the world of the original backyardigans!
“Hi, Earl? Good morning my name is Charlese and I was referred to you by….”
“Baby, where is your key?”
“Huh”
“Ya key ya key where is your key?”
“Oh sorry, here you go”
“You ain't got no buttons on this thing”
“No sir just the key’
“I'm gonna go ahead and pull her up take a look. Now what Joe say you got no air coming out?”
“Correct sir, it’s not blowing”
“Well sure best hope that aint your compressor”
“I sure do..best hope..its not...compressor”
“Gone, sit down back there. Terry back there but he don't bite”
“You named your dog Terry?”
“NO Terry is here getting his wife's car fixed. Chicken is my dog and he do bite.”
“I think I'll just stand right here if that’s okay.”
Earl drove the car to the driveway. It wasn't a regular drive tho. He popped the hood uncapped and tapped on a few things first. Without putting the hood back down Earl drove the car to the driveway. Arm extended to keep the door open he hung one leg out slightly lifted so as to not have it drag on the street. I was impressed already.
Backyard Mechanic 101: create the most complicated yet coolest way to pull the car into the driveway.
The Versa came to rest atop a piece of plywood and a fairly thin quilted blanket
“You got a match?”
“No sir I don't smoke”
“He looked at me disapprovingly”
“And don't start”
“Yes sir”
“Come on now my name Earl. Whatcho name, Joe say you is his ex wife so you telling me he found someone better looking than you.”
Woooaah woaah woah. So you're telling me! At the backyard mechanic not only do you get a little car show trick but he pays compliments too!
“No I doubt it Earl”
“Me too but if you don't tell me ya name imma call ya Joe wife”
“Its Charlese”
“Okay well Lacey you gone back there with Chicken and Terry and I'll have ya backing out ya in no time.”
Little did I know but the operative word there would be time. Lots and lots of time. There were several trips to the local auto parts store. One and a half to Walmart, yes one and a half. I was out of the store when Mr.Earl called to bring him a case of beer. One final stop at Krispy Kreme Donuts, and I couldn't argue with the man. When that Hot N Now sign is on you just have to stop.
“Okay here you go Mr.Earl”
“Oh, I aint want that whole box there. You see that Terry, Lacey trying to kill me ‘fore I can finish up ya wife car.”
“Oh no, don't do that there. Please don't do that.” Terry said in the most exhaustive tone imaginable.
Was this my future? Just how old was Terry when he got here? Is he even still married? Pretty sure his wife would have moved on by now.
“Mr.Earl say for you to come here.”
Oh, man. My ex-husband didn't cover this part. Why would Mr.Earl summon me?
“Hey Earl”
“How long you had this vehicle this here car?”
“Like 4 years, almost 5 maybe.”
“Okay well imma tell what i'm gonna do for you.”
“Okay”
“I'm going to get Reggie to put all this here back together okay? You gone need ya a blower, understand.”
“Yes” (no)
“Now this here car is 4 year old so get ya a new one hear.”
“Well, actually never mind. So a blower do I go back to -”
“NO! No that's what I’m trying to tell ya now. You gone have to go up on that internet you know how to get on there.”
“Yes, yes I do.”
“Get one from there they should have them. When you get’em bring’em ya but have someone to follow you cause imma have to keep it overnight ya you understand?”
“Yes”
“You sure? Alright now.I gotta go tear this here transmission out this car here ‘fore Terry wife leave him. Hand me notha’ one of them beer there.”
“Okay so thank you Mr.Earl should I call you when it comes in?”
“Only if ya wanna talk to me. If you want your car fixed, bring’em ya.”
“Okay, got it. Thank you again. Nice to meet you Terry.”
“Actually it’s Eugene but nice to meet you as well.”
It was dark now. I started this journey right before lunch and now it was hours passed dinnertime.
“Hey, Joe.”
“Yeah, did he finish?”
“Wait you're not even going to ask if I'm still there?”
“Hell, I know you were still there sheed what you thought you went to Meineke or something?”
“Well, I just thought, hmm I didn't know what I thought. Well, anyway I have to order a blower and drop the car off when it comes in.”
“Oh okay that's good that's good.”
“Joe”
“Yeah”
“Is it always like this?”
“Always like what? What are you talking about?”
“The backyard mechanic.”
“Um yes pretty much.”
